dealing with anxiety, an eating disorder and depression on a daily basis

my fingers grasped the bench i was sitting on/ it was raining on me/ i was shaking with anxiety/ i bit my lips to keep from sobbing/ because the last thing i needed was someone i go to university with to know i was having an anxiety attack/ i wanted to scream/ i wanted to ask why this was happening/ i wanted to stop crying/ and put on a smile/ so everyone would think i was just fine/ but i just stared at my shoes and took deep breaths/ as i thought about all the people i loved/ how they were all going to die someday/ how they were all going to leave eventually/ how no one was in love with me/ how at that second/ i was completely alone/ if i died at that moment/ no one would have known/ no one would have cared until the next day/ my best friend keeps telling me that one of these days/i will find someone/ but i want to scream and tell her/ i dont need someone to be in love with me/ i would just like someone to be by my side/ to remind me every time i bite my nails/ that one day i will stop/ and one day i will be alright/ i dont care about a lover/ i would like to just stop being alone/

i was supposed to go to the gym and lose 500 calories that morning/ that was why i went to school/ otherwise i would have hid at home/ and ignore the world/ but there is no such thing as otherwise/ because i cant put off working out/ so while my body was crying and telling me/ the anxiety embedded within every working cell of my body/ was making it too hard to function/ i was bickering with the voices in my head/ i did not feel like moving my body/ i wanted to go home/ but the voices in my head reminded me/of how hideous i looked/ how my thighs are as huge as elephant legs/ how my tummy has scars all over it because of how angry i am at how it folds out/ how i have no control over anything/how after the gym i planned on not eating anything/how i would like to take a break from these voices/ but i cant/

after having a war with myself/ i went to the gym/ and tried to tolerate the pains in my body/ but the real fight happened afterwards/ when i looked at the mirror and realised how worthless i was/ i was reminded of all my failures/ and my lack of successes/ i felt numb/ like i usually did/ i thought of every way i could die today/ i was battling the urge to let a car run me over/ and i was in a dark tunnel/ wishing for the life of me/ that i would find an escape somehow/

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Things Said to Me Recently That I Will Always Remember

“No matter where I go, I won’t find anyone like you even if I tried”
“You radiate sunshine from inside and out”
“No one else can come close to taking your place”
“I can lose everything but I can’t lose you”
“You have the power to make me cry 5 times in the span of 3 hours”
“You mean the absolute world to me”
“All you do is give love and I don’t know how you can do that with so much shit going on”
“I’m glad you never let me go even though you had every reason to”
“I see you doing great things don’t deny your fate”
“We love you so damn much that if someone even tried to harm you we’ll burn their whole village down”
“You’re soft and that’s not the problem, the problem is most people are too ignorant to appreciate the good things in life”
“You are so very important”

an old friend is at the door

a relapse is like coincidentally seeing an old friend across the subway station/ except its not really a friend/ its more like a demon/ a demon dressed up as an angel/ you assume they love cosplay/ because they are just so good at being something they are not/ also you are not at a subway station/ you are alone/ in a dark tunnel/ in this tunnel there is no light at the end of it/ there are just walls caving in/ and a train that does not know when to stop/when you give in to the voices inside your head/ and let your monsters tie your hands back/ and blindfold you/ you feel a little giddy/ because you think/ you’re finally coming home/ you forget that you were home/ and this is just hell/ so when you end up falling on your knees and let yourself be chained to the wall/ everything you worked so hard to get away from/ comes back to you/ your mind sighs with glee/ excited that its going back to its exciting place of self destruction/ but your body is crying/ it was starting to heal before this/ the morning after the reckoning of your dark world/ all you want to do is hide/ because you are confused on what you want/ you want to be happy/ but you are the last person to know what that really is/ do you start all over and try to get better again/ or do you give your addictions another chance?//

a lil rant

i think my depression started in grade 5. im not sure exactly what triggered it. but i do remember i became way too familiar with my loneliness that year. i kept thinking i did not matter. and that continued till now. to be honest im at a point where i do not know where to go or what to do. yes i am enrolled into university and i have a job. but those dont take away the feeling that maybe im better off dead. every morning is a challenge to deal with. every social interaction tires me out. but im not totally damaged am i? i have a lot of love to give. when i made january third the date that i would kill myself. the people i loved giving my love to were far away from me. it was hard to reach them. one lived in a whole different city. one lived with her boyfriend. and suddenly i felt like i was in grade 5 again. i did not matter. well its not simple as that. i mean theres many more factors. like the unstable family shit. the body image issues. my eating disorder. my memories. my school stuff being shit. constantly getting critiques. never being able to do my best because most times i was lost. no one was in love with me (they probably never will be). the lack of will to live. at that time it was hard to just for my friends to go out of their way for me. so i felt lonely as hell. i didnt see myself having a future. because i felt like the space i took up was worthless. you see, unless you have depression, you dont realise how fucking shitty everything gets. i just wanted someone to constantly tell me they are there. but i did not matter. so no one would do that for me unless i was horribly sick with my mental health.

now things arent that much better. waking up is a hassle. i still want to escape from my problems. and honestly i feel like jumping on to subway railways to get run over some days. but things are different now. i dont feel lonely. i feel alone. and that is something that is a big change from all the years of suffering. i am alone and im happy with it. i made some new friends as well. friends that consider me before i even think about them. friends that let me know they love me each second they get. its been a while since i felt like maybe just maybe i have a place in this world. my mom and dad love me too in their own way. families can be toxic but you take what you can get and right now i get honesty. i have feelings for someone that i may never end up with but i have never felt this way about anyone. he makes my heart beat fast and makes me smile even when im at my worst. but i think one of my best moments in life was when my best friend aastha told me she was going to get a tattoo of my birthday on herself. ive never felt more alive than that moment. so yes maybe things arent super duper white girl fantastic but im here and im going through shit but i also know im fucking strong. you can hurt me but try breaking me. it wont work.

i am too extreme/ i know that/ i am explosive as a fire set by two cases of gasoline/ i am as vicious as a werewolf on his first hunt/ i am too much to handle/ touching me is like slicing your hand with the tip of your sharpest knife/ when i look in the mirror/ i feel as if the mirror is burdened with the reflection of me/ there are nights where i think god has made a mistake by sending me/ or maybe he just didn’t want me up there with him at all/ i have been using my body as an armour/ from the dragons/ and the warriors/ so i am all tainted/ no one wants a broken vase/ but heres the thing/ i may be broken/ i may be scarred up/ i may have stories i will never want to tell you/ but i am full of unconditional love/ i am the one who will fight your demons with you/ i am the one who will watch you at night to make sure your injuries heal right/ i am the one who will wipe your tears away/ i am the one that will make sure you forget about your bad days/ i am full of love/ but i am destructive/ so i spend every night alone/ thinking of ways to hide from the world/ because my loneliness wraps around/ while i wish it were someone else/ i am a disaster/ a tornado/ an ice strom during the month of april//

relapse/relapse is when you finally left the devil/ but he pulls you back in/ with a kiss on the neck/ and a hold on your throat/ you know the routine/ you know your hands are tied together at this point/ so you sigh/ and walk into neverland with your lover/ as you succumb to the voices in your head/ you realise you’re not in neverland/ you’re alone/ its dark/ and you can barely breathe/ mom, how do i let go of something/ when its the only thing that has held my hand/ when i needed someone?/ i want to tell the demons/ that laugh at me for surrendering to their wrath/ to come back another day/ but they have decided they want to permanently live under my bed/ and inside my head/ my friends/ they ignore the fact/ that i was once laying in my death bed/ they ignore the fact that/ i am fighting every second of my life/ to survive another day/ they ignore the fact that i am lonely/ that i am always cold/ the coldness runs through my veins/ and lives in each corner of all the cells in my body/ so i let go and hold my hand out/ and today is another day/ where i am confused whether i should keep trying to let go/ or just let my mind kill me//

another life

in another life/ i would know what im doing/ i wouldnt be taking so horribly long to figure my life out/ i wouldnt be waking up with an image of my grave glued to the back of my mind/ because sometimes i crave an escape out of here/ and into a different world/ in that world i wouldnt have depression/ i wouldnt have anxiety holding me to the ground until i choke for air/ i would smile when it’s time to be happy/ i would go to different parties/ and hug the people i love/ and goddammit i would love freely/ i wouldnt be so afraid of a human emotion/ in another life i wouldnt be tired/ i would be functional/ and hug my mother every morning/ and watch my parents love and love and love/ i would go to my sisters house/ and have coffee with her/ she wouldnt be unmarried and lonely/ tied at the wrists by her demons/ in another life/ my friends and i would have our own coffee shop/ we would rant about systemic racism/ and smoke pot to talk about our sex lives/ in another life my best friend would be my lover/ and id be some fashion designer trying to make it big/ but here i am/ in this life/ trying to get by each day/ without knowing why//