Platonic

the thought of you being in my life every day/ makes my heart beat fast/ and my mind fuzzy/ but my anxiety levels also rise up/ and i get reminded of how you can leave me anytime/ im not easy to like/ so when you say you like me/ i want to give you 42 reasons why you shouldn’t/ i already can imagine how our break-up would go/ it will be my fault/ you will move on and find some pretty and nice and not damaged angel to be with/ and ill be trying to track all your moves without seeming like i care/ i will care/ the love i have for you is the eternal kind/ where even if you forget my name/ ill remeber every inch of your face/ ill remember the day your mouth was slightly open and your eyes were looking right at me when i was telling you that i wanted to die/ ill remember how you cried to me when the show friends reminded you/ we all die alone/ so i love you/ but im not very good at loving/ actually cross that im not very good at being loved/ i am not in love with you/ remember that/ and i know you’re not in love with me/ romantic love is overrated/ but i dream that we will grow old and get bored of our independent adventures/ and come to live in some bungalow in california/ where its warm cause we both hate the cold/ and our lives will end with laughter/ till death to us part/ i hope//

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im not a careless lover, im sorry

because of you, trusting a man with my already broken heart is impossible/ you showed me how much power you can hold over your lover/ and i never want that power or to be the victim to it/ dad, i don’t want a man to take my love and twist it into different ways to take advantage of me time and time again/ and for me to forgive him in the name of love/ because i am much more than that/ my time is too precious to waste it on someone that can’t love me as much as i love him/ because i know when i love someone/ not even the worst of the worst hurricanes can hold me back/ but dad, you have made me incapable to fall in love with somebody/ not only do my insecurities stop me/ but the thought ill be used and eaten up without knowing scares the shit out of me/ dad if you’re able to do it to my mom/ a woman who shines brighter than the stars themselves/ who has the strength of the rising sun/ then im sure any man i fall in love with is capable of doing the same thing/ but dad/ you may have ruined my longing to be someone’s queen/ but you have also created a soldier/ a warrior with a dented sword and a damaged shield/ but nonetheless a fighter/ i am not bitter for not having a lover or someone i can call my own/ because after years i have found that the only person ruling my kingdom can be me/ no lover, no man, no one can understand me/ because im as complicated the galaxies before us/ i am as disastrous as this years winter/ but im fine with it/ dad i wish i didn’t cower at the sight of falling in love/ or long to be always alone/ but i am glad im not going to give my heart to a wolf in disguise in vain//

darker than black

sometimes there are days where nothing in my brain works/ i wake up with the intense need of dying/ some days i want the bed to engulf me into its warmth/ but these are the days that even the bed can’t keep me from hurting myself/ winter is cold/ but i am colder/ my fingertips are numb and the bridge of my nose is icy/ so when i don’t go outside and blame it on the cold/ im not blaming the weather/ im blaming myself/ i know its sad/ but if i could kill myself without making my mother sad/ i would/ if you asked me how i was/ id tell you that i feel like a colour darker than black/ so dark it hasn’t been discovered/ im easily forgotten/ but remembered when im needed/ i wish i was never needed/ because when no one remembers you/ haven’t you died already?/ i say i wish i was never needed/ but i love being needed/ i am addicted to the feeling of being wanted/ i am also addicted to self-destruction/ this is where my brain stops working/ i want to be loved but i dont at the same time/ i hate myself but i dont want you to hate me/ today i looked up the prices of a space in a graveyard/ because today death doesn’t scare me

i am sorry but i will never trust someone with my heart

in my culture, mothers are not supposed to cry/ they are supposed to be silent warriors/ take every beating with a quiet whimper/ i saw you crying/ you don’t cry, mother/ the last time i saw you cry was when your older brother died/ but you weren’t crying because he died/ you cried because he was murdered/ i asked you why your glasses were fogged up and your cheeks stained with tears/ your lips shook and you tried looking away/ no, i am tired of you being strong/ so i took your glasses off and wiped your tears away/ you break down into sobs and goddammit mom i have felt sadness but today i know what it feels like when your heart breaks/ mom, tell me what’s wrong/ “i loved him, you know? i loved him with everything i had, i gave him everything, and now everything is broken”/ you told me all my life that you didn’t love him but you stayed to fulfil your duty as a woman/ but you actually stayed because you loved my father who treated you like complete shit in the hopes that he would finally see you, he would finally love you back/ “never give your all to anyone, baby. it’ll just be too much to handle for them”/ mom, you are not too much/ you are the hand that pulls me out of the hole i fall inside of purposely/ you are the wizard that casts spells of hope amongst me/ you are magic within every pore of my body/ “but now, now i’m going to do whatever it takes to die in peace during my last few years, and that means i must leave him to keep ourselves sane”/ yes, mother/ i want you to think about yourself/ i want to stop carrying a facade that our family is made up of saints and that dad is the lord himself/ mom i want you to know its not your damn fault/ mom, i love you/ mom, it’s going to be hard healings the wounds he gave you/ rising above the ashes of your marriage that was broken the minute you said, “i do” is going to be messy/ but mom, you told me once,/ you told me, “women like us, recover from the worst wars god can give us, we are like the country your roots are from, we are revolutionary”/ mom, you can cry all you want, even strong and loud mothers get their heart broken too./

Changing is Tiring, I Wish I Could Wear the Same Pair of Socks Everyday

i come home// home is a safe place// but it wasn’t before// it was a firepit// it was dangerous to come home sometimes// how do things change so fast?// my dad used to be my hero// but he went from my daddy to a stranger within a few days// my mother went from my mother to my everything within a few moments// my best friend became someone i could not depend on anymore within seconds// how do things fall apart with no way of keeping it together// how do i lay on the bathroom floor with tears all over my body and vomit in the toilet one night?// and the next night, i am making friends// i don’t know why change has to happen every second// every second feels like an hour// and every hour feels like a second// if you asked me about who i was a day ago it would be completely different to who i am today// does that mean i am not genuine?// does that mean i am a ghost of who i really was// does that mean i do not entail any predictions// my home is a safe place// but i am not safe// i am a defect// i am a storm awaiting destruction// one second i am the warm sun and the next second i am your worst nightmare

angry brown girl

the brown of my skin is my armor/ it is my attack on the bad things that go on in the world/ it defines my effort of living/ living through the racist comments i recieved as a child just for being darker than everyone else/ living through every moment of watching my mother struggle to speak english/ of her making the choice of either losing her mother tongue or assimilating to the new world / i am proud she didn’t choose to assimilate to the new world/ living through the anger of being different in a country i was born in but not given the permission to feeling like i belonged in it/ when i was six years old i punched dylan in the face/ because he made fun of my father’s bengali accent/ the white principal told me to apologize/ but did not make the boy say sorry for being an asshole to my culture/ my roots are bengali/ my roots travel back to my mother who carried the weight of the world on her back as she raised us in a country that wasn’t her own/ my roots travel back to her mother who watched her sons go to war and hoped with the life of her that they would return in one piece/ my roots travel back to my father who spent all his life fighting the urge of rebellion/ my roots travel back to his father who worked all his life but didn’t die wealthy but goddamn he died with dignity/ you see my ancestry is filled with struggle and hustling/ so my skin that looks a little burnt represents the ashes from the angry fires of my ancestors / i am not tranquility/ i am a massacre/ i am my father’s sword/ i am my mother’s tears/ i am an angry brown girl/ forever, i will be yelling out in the pain my people have faced just to belong in the world/ forever, i will be screaming out in agony to tell you that you shouldn’t have raped my women, you shouldn’t have killed my men/ forever, i will be ranting about how you didn’t provide proper education to my children/ i have grown from soil so damn valuable, my brown skin couldn’t lose its colour/ the brown of my skin indicates that change will be coming//

im sorry friend, i haven’t been the best

i avoid the question that asks me about my wellbeing/why?/because every time someone does, i have to think up another lie that confirms my fake adequacy/ why do i pick to lie?/ because its much easier than saying that, “i need you”/ i need you more than ever, you know?/ i need you here/ i need you to tell me, i will be okay/ i don’t want to tell you, that I am lonely/ because baby, that just makes me sound as if i am desperate/ but i am desperate/ i am so desperate to have someone hold me/ to put me back together/ but every night as i lie to you saying I’m fine, i understand i am alone/ lonely is my name/ lonely is etched on each of my bones/ lonely is in the particles of the oxygen i breathe/ and as it comes out as carbon dioxide sadness replaces lonely/ when i don’t respond to your texts/ i didn’t forget/ i wanted to avoid feeling as if i was needed just to feel cold again when you get too busy/ im no happy ending/ can’t you see?/ you tell me to hope/ but hoping is all i’ve been doing, baby/ when you ask me what i’m good at/ i laugh and think all i’ve been good at is hoping for a better outcome/ better outcome to what?/ my happiness?/ my accomplishments?/ you tell me i am so good at things/ but those things i am not good at/ i am good at self-destruction/ i am good at pushing people away/ i am good at setting myself up for failure/ i am good at falling apart/ you sigh as i tell you everything i have been keeping inside the past few months/ you sigh and shake your head and you don’t know what to do each time i do this to you/ i am sorry i do that/ i am sorry for existing/ i am sorry for loving you/ i am sorry for not loving myself enough/ i am sorry for being jealous of your lover/ because he gets you in a full way that i don’t/ i am sorry i was hiding everything just to let you know i am not okay at the end/ but i am me and i am a shipwreck/ so stop asking me how i am, and next time ask me what you can do for me/ i’ll tell you/ i’ll tell you everything/ and at the end, i’ll tell you to hold me for a while/ and godammit it’ll mean more than anything to me if you did that/ it’ll mean more than the cuts i slit on my wrist/ more than the nights of terror i go through alone/it’ll mean more that the gifts you gave me on christmas//