please oh please will you grant my wish?

star light/ star bright/ the first star i see tonight/ except i saw a bunch of you guys/ so im going to increase my chances/ and wish on each of you/ i wish i may/ i wish i might/ have the wishes i wish tonight/ but even if its one wish/ ill be beyond happy/ i wish that i stop waking up every morning and die in my sleep/ no let me change that/ i wish that one day i will wake up without the craving to die but with a desire to live/ i wish that the love of my life can fall in love with me right now/ no wait, i am not ready for that/ instead, i wish that i start falling in love with myself/ i wish that i lose the 5 pounds i gained in the last two months/ no no thats not right/ i wish that i stop caring about how much weight i gain/ and care about how much i recover from my bulimia/ i wish that people were not so horrible/ nevermind, that is impossible/ i wish that i meet more people in my life/ and the people that do not want me to grow will leave/ i wish that i get a good job and become rich/ ah you guys are only stars you can only do so much/ so i’ll wish that one of these days i realise what i want to be and be able to pursue the dream instead/ i wish that my family was not so broken/ except that would be like wishing for a utopia/ i wish that my dad would understand his mistakes/ and my mom would learn how to walk away/ i wish that life would be kinder to me/ but it won’t be/ but i wish that i will get stronger at accepting the failures in my life/ and be able to rise each time from them/ i wish that one day i will be able to laugh without holding back/ that i will be coming home to nothing but love/ that i will always be a fighter/ and i know that every one of these wishes are fucking hard to grant/ but oh stars/ please will you just grant one of them?/ the light you possess is the only hope i’ve got//

no light at the end of my tunnel

help me/ help me/ help me/ im drowning/ i cant hold on to the edge/ its to slippery/ and the person i loved the most has kicked me off/ help me/ help me/ im falling into a pit of darkness/ during the fall all i hear are the voices of people that have left me/ help me/ help me/ i have been shot by a pistol/ and now i am bleeding on the sidewalk/ where i first fell on my knee/ and realised i was alone/ when my mom told me to toughen up/ help me/ help me/ i have been kidnapped/ by depression itself/ he abuses me quietly/ but leaves no scars/ so i cant go to the police for help/ help me/ help me/ i am being pulled apart by my anxieties/ they are chewing out my insides/ and leaving only my skeleton/ help me/ help me/ im at the end of my tunnel/ and i see no light//

im not a careless lover, im sorry

because of you, trusting a man with my already broken heart is impossible/ you showed me how much power you can hold over your lover/ and i never want that power or to be the victim to it/ dad, i don’t want a man to take my love and twist it into different ways to take advantage of me time and time again/ and for me to forgive him in the name of love/ because i am much more than that/ my time is too precious to waste it on someone that can’t love me as much as i love him/ because i know when i love someone/ not even the worst of the worst hurricanes can hold me back/ but dad, you have made me incapable to fall in love with somebody/ not only do my insecurities stop me/ but the thought ill be used and eaten up without knowing scares the shit out of me/ dad if you’re able to do it to my mom/ a woman who shines brighter than the stars themselves/ who has the strength of the rising sun/ then im sure any man i fall in love with is capable of doing the same thing/ but dad/ you may have ruined my longing to be someone’s queen/ but you have also created a soldier/ a warrior with a dented sword and a damaged shield/ but nonetheless a fighter/ i am not bitter for not having a lover or someone i can call my own/ because after years i have found that the only person ruling my kingdom can be me/ no lover, no man, no one can understand me/ because im as complicated the galaxies before us/ i am as disastrous as this years winter/ but im fine with it/ dad i wish i didn’t cower at the sight of falling in love/ or long to be always alone/ but i am glad im not going to give my heart to a wolf in disguise in vain//

im sorry friend, i haven’t been the best

i avoid the question that asks me about my wellbeing/why?/because every time someone does, i have to think up another lie that confirms my fake adequacy/ why do i pick to lie?/ because its much easier than saying that, “i need you”/ i need you more than ever, you know?/ i need you here/ i need you to tell me, i will be okay/ i don’t want to tell you, that I am lonely/ because baby, that just makes me sound as if i am desperate/ but i am desperate/ i am so desperate to have someone hold me/ to put me back together/ but every night as i lie to you saying I’m fine, i understand i am alone/ lonely is my name/ lonely is etched on each of my bones/ lonely is in the particles of the oxygen i breathe/ and as it comes out as carbon dioxide sadness replaces lonely/ when i don’t respond to your texts/ i didn’t forget/ i wanted to avoid feeling as if i was needed just to feel cold again when you get too busy/ im no happy ending/ can’t you see?/ you tell me to hope/ but hoping is all i’ve been doing, baby/ when you ask me what i’m good at/ i laugh and think all i’ve been good at is hoping for a better outcome/ better outcome to what?/ my happiness?/ my accomplishments?/ you tell me i am so good at things/ but those things i am not good at/ i am good at self-destruction/ i am good at pushing people away/ i am good at setting myself up for failure/ i am good at falling apart/ you sigh as i tell you everything i have been keeping inside the past few months/ you sigh and shake your head and you don’t know what to do each time i do this to you/ i am sorry i do that/ i am sorry for existing/ i am sorry for loving you/ i am sorry for not loving myself enough/ i am sorry for being jealous of your lover/ because he gets you in a full way that i don’t/ i am sorry i was hiding everything just to let you know i am not okay at the end/ but i am me and i am a shipwreck/ so stop asking me how i am, and next time ask me what you can do for me/ i’ll tell you/ i’ll tell you everything/ and at the end, i’ll tell you to hold me for a while/ and godammit it’ll mean more than anything to me if you did that/ it’ll mean more than the cuts i slit on my wrist/ more than the nights of terror i go through alone/it’ll mean more that the gifts you gave me on christmas//

A New Beginning