an old friend is at the door

a relapse is like coincidentally seeing an old friend across the subway station/ except its not really a friend/ its more like a demon/ a demon dressed up as an angel/ you assume they love cosplay/ because they are just so good at being something they are not/ also you are not at a subway station/ you are alone/ in a dark tunnel/ in this tunnel there is no light at the end of it/ there are just walls caving in/ and a train that does not know when to stop/when you give in to the voices inside your head/ and let your monsters tie your hands back/ and blindfold you/ you feel a little giddy/ because you think/ you’re finally coming home/ you forget that you were home/ and this is just hell/ so when you end up falling on your knees and let yourself be chained to the wall/ everything you worked so hard to get away from/ comes back to you/ your mind sighs with glee/ excited that its going back to its exciting place of self destruction/ but your body is crying/ it was starting to heal before this/ the morning after the reckoning of your dark world/ all you want to do is hide/ because you are confused on what you want/ you want to be happy/ but you are the last person to know what that really is/ do you start all over and try to get better again/ or do you give your addictions another chance?//

please oh please will you grant my wish?

star light/ star bright/ the first star i see tonight/ except i saw a bunch of you guys/ so im going to increase my chances/ and wish on each of you/ i wish i may/ i wish i might/ have the wishes i wish tonight/ but even if its one wish/ ill be beyond happy/ i wish that i stop waking up every morning and die in my sleep/ no let me change that/ i wish that one day i will wake up without the craving to die but with a desire to live/ i wish that the love of my life can fall in love with me right now/ no wait, i am not ready for that/ instead, i wish that i start falling in love with myself/ i wish that i lose the 5 pounds i gained in the last two months/ no no thats not right/ i wish that i stop caring about how much weight i gain/ and care about how much i recover from my bulimia/ i wish that people were not so horrible/ nevermind, that is impossible/ i wish that i meet more people in my life/ and the people that do not want me to grow will leave/ i wish that i get a good job and become rich/ ah you guys are only stars you can only do so much/ so i’ll wish that one of these days i realise what i want to be and be able to pursue the dream instead/ i wish that my family was not so broken/ except that would be like wishing for a utopia/ i wish that my dad would understand his mistakes/ and my mom would learn how to walk away/ i wish that life would be kinder to me/ but it won’t be/ but i wish that i will get stronger at accepting the failures in my life/ and be able to rise each time from them/ i wish that one day i will be able to laugh without holding back/ that i will be coming home to nothing but love/ that i will always be a fighter/ and i know that every one of these wishes are fucking hard to grant/ but oh stars/ please will you just grant one of them?/ the light you possess is the only hope i’ve got//

no light at the end of my tunnel

help me/ help me/ help me/ im drowning/ i cant hold on to the edge/ its to slippery/ and the person i loved the most has kicked me off/ help me/ help me/ im falling into a pit of darkness/ during the fall all i hear are the voices of people that have left me/ help me/ help me/ i have been shot by a pistol/ and now i am bleeding on the sidewalk/ where i first fell on my knee/ and realised i was alone/ when my mom told me to toughen up/ help me/ help me/ i have been kidnapped/ by depression itself/ he abuses me quietly/ but leaves no scars/ so i cant go to the police for help/ help me/ help me/ i am being pulled apart by my anxieties/ they are chewing out my insides/ and leaving only my skeleton/ help me/ help me/ im at the end of my tunnel/ and i see no light//

rock bottom

when you are at rock bottom/ they say the only way you can go/ is up/ but rock bottom isn’t one place/ its a bunch of places/ combined into one destination/ and you can call me an explorer/ because i end up experiencing every dimension of rock bottom/ before i feel like im ready to go up/ going up is so hard/ because as i try to run from my hell/ the air in my lungs come out/ and my heart stops beating/ theres ringing in my ears/ and the wind is going 600km oer hour against my direction/ and the worst part of it all/ no one else is running with me/ rock bottom is becoming a home/ where everyone here wecomes me back/ and offer me their warmth/ my demons from above laugh at me every night i spend here/ but goddamn/ how do i get back up?/ its easy for you to tell me to get better/ to try to get better/ to try harder/ but sometimes waking up the next morning/ is hard enough already/ and it really sucks/ that the only way i get out of my rock bottom/ is when i start taking my antidepressants again/ so does that mean i belong at rock bottom?//

Poor

we are the generation that doesn’t know how our futures will end up being like/ we are the people that will work our asses off day and night/ only to meet the minimum living requirements/unless you’re wealthy/ why do i despise the children of the wealthy?/ because they will never know how it feels to constantly fail/ even though you are doing the best that you can/ they will never know about how it feels to/ depend on money/ yes money does bring happiness/ yes, money does bring families together/ yes, my goal in life is not to be rich/ because god, id be damned if i become wealthy/ but my goal is to not constantly count my change/ to not swim in debt/ you will never know how it feels to watch your parents struggle to/ pay the rent every month/ to grow up being told you have to work for your own expences/ i never asked my dad for anything/ because i didnt want to hear him sigh and tell me/ “sweetheart, i dont have anything in my wallet”/ i wore ripped up clothes and shoes up until highschool/ because buying new clothes/ meant being a burden to my parents/ ive been trying to make money since i was in highschool/ i grew up with no financial security/and time and time again/ i see my sister, my dad, my mother/ families living around us/ my friends/ working hours and hours/ carrying the weight of the world on their backs/ only to watch others/ get what they want/ have it a little bit easier/ make no effort/ so when you tell me/ money doesn’t make you happy/ oh sweetheart/ you’re dead wrong/ its just a lie/ wealthy people/ tell the poor/ so no one riots against them//

im not a careless lover, im sorry

because of you, trusting a man with my already broken heart is impossible/ you showed me how much power you can hold over your lover/ and i never want that power or to be the victim to it/ dad, i don’t want a man to take my love and twist it into different ways to take advantage of me time and time again/ and for me to forgive him in the name of love/ because i am much more than that/ my time is too precious to waste it on someone that can’t love me as much as i love him/ because i know when i love someone/ not even the worst of the worst hurricanes can hold me back/ but dad, you have made me incapable to fall in love with somebody/ not only do my insecurities stop me/ but the thought ill be used and eaten up without knowing scares the shit out of me/ dad if you’re able to do it to my mom/ a woman who shines brighter than the stars themselves/ who has the strength of the rising sun/ then im sure any man i fall in love with is capable of doing the same thing/ but dad/ you may have ruined my longing to be someone’s queen/ but you have also created a soldier/ a warrior with a dented sword and a damaged shield/ but nonetheless a fighter/ i am not bitter for not having a lover or someone i can call my own/ because after years i have found that the only person ruling my kingdom can be me/ no lover, no man, no one can understand me/ because im as complicated the galaxies before us/ i am as disastrous as this years winter/ but im fine with it/ dad i wish i didn’t cower at the sight of falling in love/ or long to be always alone/ but i am glad im not going to give my heart to a wolf in disguise in vain//

darker than black

sometimes there are days where nothing in my brain works/ i wake up with the intense need of dying/ some days i want the bed to engulf me into its warmth/ but these are the days that even the bed can’t keep me from hurting myself/ winter is cold/ but i am colder/ my fingertips are numb and the bridge of my nose is icy/ so when i don’t go outside and blame it on the cold/ im not blaming the weather/ im blaming myself/ i know its sad/ but if i could kill myself without making my mother sad/ i would/ if you asked me how i was/ id tell you that i feel like a colour darker than black/ so dark it hasn’t been discovered/ im easily forgotten/ but remembered when im needed/ i wish i was never needed/ because when no one remembers you/ haven’t you died already?/ i say i wish i was never needed/ but i love being needed/ i am addicted to the feeling of being wanted/ i am also addicted to self-destruction/ this is where my brain stops working/ i want to be loved but i dont at the same time/ i hate myself but i dont want you to hate me/ today i looked up the prices of a space in a graveyard/ because today death doesn’t scare me

angry brown girl

the brown of my skin is my armor/ it is my attack on the bad things that go on in the world/ it defines my effort of living/ living through the racist comments i recieved as a child just for being darker than everyone else/ living through every moment of watching my mother struggle to speak english/ of her making the choice of either losing her mother tongue or assimilating to the new world / i am proud she didn’t choose to assimilate to the new world/ living through the anger of being different in a country i was born in but not given the permission to feeling like i belonged in it/ when i was six years old i punched dylan in the face/ because he made fun of my father’s bengali accent/ the white principal told me to apologize/ but did not make the boy say sorry for being an asshole to my culture/ my roots are bengali/ my roots travel back to my mother who carried the weight of the world on her back as she raised us in a country that wasn’t her own/ my roots travel back to her mother who watched her sons go to war and hoped with the life of her that they would return in one piece/ my roots travel back to my father who spent all his life fighting the urge of rebellion/ my roots travel back to his father who worked all his life but didn’t die wealthy but goddamn he died with dignity/ you see my ancestry is filled with struggle and hustling/ so my skin that looks a little burnt represents the ashes from the angry fires of my ancestors / i am not tranquility/ i am a massacre/ i am my father’s sword/ i am my mother’s tears/ i am an angry brown girl/ forever, i will be yelling out in the pain my people have faced just to belong in the world/ forever, i will be screaming out in agony to tell you that you shouldn’t have raped my women, you shouldn’t have killed my men/ forever, i will be ranting about how you didn’t provide proper education to my children/ i have grown from soil so damn valuable, my brown skin couldn’t lose its colour/ the brown of my skin indicates that change will be coming//

A New Beginning